Rants and raves from around the celebrosphere

Simon Cowell was apparently offered a cool two-million to be the spokesface of the erectile-dysfunction-fixer, Viagra. According to an article in the August issue of the UK’s Glamour magazine, Cowell admitted to wearing platform shoes and came clean about using Botox. But People magazine reports that in the article, Cowell called the Viagra offer a “f—ing insult.”

We’re unclear whether he was insulted by the amount they offered (surely two-million is a paltry sum for moneybags Simon, we even cringed at that number), or that they seem to think people worldwide would easily believe that he could benefit from a little intimate assistance. We think maybe it’s both, that two million isn’t quite enough for the tough-talking American Idol judge to give the impression that he has, well, a softer side. Up the numbers a bit, up them a lot, and maybe then he would be willing to look at the camera with his very best “impotence” face and hawk a few pills.

We’re disappointed he turned down the gig, what could be better than a Simon Cowell Viagra commercial? Picture it. Poor Simon leaves the dark bedroom where we can see the outline of a disappointed lady beneath the sheets. He slogs his way to the bathroom, where he first looks into the mirror, bemused, then sighs and then looks down at his crotch, frowns, and with a cutting hand gesture or two, he says in his best “my God, you suck” American Idol voice:

“Just terrible. Dreadful. That was one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen.” Cue “Bad Day,” and show him reaching for a pill.